 | MCL Our JourneyApr 05, 2025 |  |
Lately, I have struggled physically (and emotionally!) with fatigue. Just under two years ago, I started a physically challenging chemotherapy called BEAM. It is used to prepare high-risk Lymphoma patients for bone marrow and stem cell transplants. My protocol required five rounds of chemo, starting every three weeks. They would hook me up to the IV on Wednesday evening and keep it in me until Friday afternoon. Side effects that week were insomnia and extreme cold sensitivity. The following week, I would be hit by heavy fatigue and emotional volatility on Monday, brain fog on Tuesday, and dizziness on Wednesday (always and in that order.) The previous side effect wouldn't go away as each new one presented. They just built on each other. By Wednesday, I would be cold sensitive, exhausted, an emotional basket case, unable to concentrate, and dizzy. But the worst aspect was fatigue.
You could almost set your watch by it. Around noon on Monday (give or take 20 minutes) I would have my first crash. I would go from 91% energy to 30%-- in about 15 seconds-- and I would be blubbering because I was suddenly so ridiculously tired. I remember at one point, I was talking to my customer with my employee at my side. The next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground at his ankles, sobbing. He leaned down to me and said, "Pete, man, go home." Oh yeah.
I am privileged to be part of a cancer group on Facebook called Mantle Cell Lymphoma: the Journey. We collectively exhibit a wide variety of symptoms, both during and after treatment. However, the common symptom for everyone seems to be fatigue. Lately I have been feeling this kind of fatigue again. I had a good day yesterday. It was the best I had felt in a couple of weeks! (It was almost a shame to waste such a perfect day working, you know?) But last night I was at a function and went from 80% energy to about 40% over the course of a five minute presentation. I could FEEL the energy leaking out of me, like water dripping out of the bottom of the colander when you're draining your pasta after boiling it.
It wasn't as rapid or extreme a crash as in the bad old days, but I have been feeling run-down in general lately. That crash brought back memories of chemo, and my extreme fatigue after my transplant. My mind came up with only two explanations-- either the cancer is back, or my maintenance immunotherapy is destroying my energy as well as opening the barn door wide to respiratory infections. I can deal with the infections. They suck. But the idea of my cancer returning only 18 months after treatment? That was terrifying...
I was driving home from the event and realized the worship team at my church was having practice just then, so I stopped by for prayer. They huddled around me, and prayed while I let it all out. While they were praying, God spoke this to my heart:
"I will declare the name of the LORD in the land of the living."
It was a reference to Psalm 27:13 (NIV):
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
And the next verse, Psalm 27:14 is also applicable:
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart,
and wait on the LORD."
But what God actually said was "I will declare the NAME of the LORD in the land of the living." What have I written about in my last three blog posts? I have been sharing some of the Hebrew names of God because His CHARACTER is revealed in his names.
I love studying how God reveals himself through sharing his names with his people at key moments in their history. But what I most love are the times when people encounter God, and name Him themselves. Hagar comes to mind, in Genesis 16. She had a God-encounter when she was running away from home. She was pregnant, destitute and thirsty. This felt like the end, but she encountered God there at the spring, and he told her the future name of her unborn son, and of his great destiny. In response, she named Him El-Roi-- "The Strong God who SEES me."
God was telling me last night that he sees me. That I would live, for he still has stuff for me to do. My mission here is not yet complete, and I don't need to be afraid. This morning, God confirmed that with another passage sent by my worship leader. It was Philippians 1:6. God brought it to his mind last night while they were praying over me.
"... being confident in this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
I was thinking about all these things this morning on my early-morning drive to work, and a beautiful old Margaret Becker song came to mind: "Say the Name." I used to have it on CD, as a full blown studio production, with every detail perfect. That recording is available online. But what my heart needed today was the simple acoustic version you can watch here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pks9wtZksaI
A more sweeter sounding word
These lips have never said
A gentle name so beautiful
My Heart cannot forget
Just a whisper is enough
To set my soul at ease
Just thinking of this Name
Brings my heart to peace
Say the Name
Say the Name that soothes the soul
The Name of gentle healing
And peace immutable
I'll say the Name
that has heard my cry
He's seen my tears
and wiped them dry
From now until the end of time
I'll say the Name
May I never grow so strong
That my heart cannot be moved
May I never grow so weak
That I fear to speak the truth
I will say this holy Name
No matter who agrees
For no other name on earth
Means so much to me
Say the Name-- Jesus
Say the Name
that soothes the soul
The Name of gentle healing
And peace immutable
I'll say the Name
that has heard my cry
Has seen my tears
and wiped them dry
From now until the end of time
I'll say the Name.
It's been a hard week, but I'm at peace tonight. Fear and Fatigue no longer go together.
If you enjoyed reading this, check out my blog at www.PeteCox.org and my book "101 God Thoughts: a Spiritual Journey from Covid to Cancer. It's on Amazon in multiple formats.
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